Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
