If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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