i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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