i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
