I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
