I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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