you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
