So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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