Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
