Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
