I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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