I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
