Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
