Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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