I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
