fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
