There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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