Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
