You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
