Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
