Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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