My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
