I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
