i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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