i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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