eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
