The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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