You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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