Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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