Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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