i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
