Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
