Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I need to sanitize my soul.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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