I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
