last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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