You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
