you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
