If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize