if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
