I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
