I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
