I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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