The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
