I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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