Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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