she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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