I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
