what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
