just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
