I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
