I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
People with herpes should wear stickers.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
