Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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