I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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