As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
