I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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