May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Randomize
