I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
