Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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